Dear you. I am

Dear you. 

I am still not completely over you.
I can not get myself to stop missing you,
So much life inside of you now gone.
All those jokes and laughs we played
They left when you did.
We would spend days painting sunsets
Nights we spent narrating our lives,
All that time still not enough.
The day your life began to give up on you,
You were admitted to the four walls of a hospital we all started to call
home away from home.
I still remember the first day I visited you,
The quiet drive over,
The anxious wait at the door,
The long walk down the hall,
"Down the hall and make your first left"
"Please no loud talking"
"Stay away from the machines"
"Keep your badges on in the ICU unit."
We were given a set of rules to abide by.
The air was cold and silent,
My legs became stiff as,
I walked through those big sliding doors.
Machines were pumping life into you
Even if your body did not accept it.
Who would have known
That you'd be spending the
last days of your life on that bed.
Months went by, frequent visits
Continuous long anxious waits in the hall
Seeing you everyday stuck to a bed strapped to machines.
I remember that night
we thought that we had lost you
My mom cried and my dad held her
My heart physically hurt
We thought we'd lost you
Yet we sat there and talked about you
I talked about how I would
never see you at school again
Because for a girl like me
I barely made it through the day
I knew that that was the last of your frequent checks on me
Giving me fist bumps
Making sure I made it through the day
But somehow through all that pain
you were okay.
They all said it was a miracle.
"No one can stay down for that long"
"He will not be the same"
"Prepare for the worst"
Yet like a conquerer you came back whole.
I've never cried so hard in my life
From that day on I learned
how fragile this thing we call life is.
You sat in that bed, begged to go home
Wanted nothing but
the comfort of your home.
Weeks later you came home despite
how bad you really were,
Your heart was weak from all the hurt.
You tried so hard to be strong,
You tried so so hard
I know you did.
Yet life had its own damn plans
You were back after a week of
feeling like you took this world by its neck,
What we didn't know was that it still
had its claws deep into you
not agreeing to let you go.
Two months later I was at your funeral.

I don't know how it happened.
 

The call at 3am.
Hearing that your heart just stopped,

My mom came to my room and I knew.

This time it was different.

It's like we all knew this day was coming
Yet it still hurt so bad, so damn bad.
That was the first day I saw my dad cry.
I sat on my bed with what seemed to be a hole in my chest,
Trying to work up the courage
to wake up your sister next to me,
To her that her whole world
is now gone.
The way she just knew,
her crying still rings in my ears.
That entire day was a blur,
Seeing you lay in a casket,
Then saying goodbye.
I hated every second of it,
Now I know why saying "goodbye" hurts so much, there's really no good in any of it
secretly I said see you later,
Because in another life who knows
Maybe i´d see you again.